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“Help! My Bridesmaids Won’t Bend to My Will!”

Ask Una is a satire column during which we ask these burning wedding questions we all know you’re all fascinated with however are too afraid to place in writing. So we did it for you. Significantly (we’re not severe).

Pricey Una,

I’m having a rustic-themed marriage ceremony, so naturally I requested all my bridesmaids to put on reclaimed-wood headpieces from Etsy and no sneakers for your entire ceremony and reception (which shall be outdoors in a forest). All of them are complaining that the crowns weigh 15 kilos and that their toes will get lower up by sticks and pine needles, nevertheless it’s MY DAY and I really feel I shouldn’t must compromise my aesthetic for the sake of some whiny girly women! What ought to I do?

—Pining for Pinecones

Dearest Piney,

You’ll be able to’t swing a hand-whittled bolo tie today with out hitting some quaint farmstead decked out with hay bales and string lights, however I commend you for actually leaning into the true which means of rustic right here. Most brides simply lazily assume that “rustic” means “nation,” slap some candles inside a number of mason-jar centerpieces, pose behind an artfully dilapidated pickup truck, and name it a day. It feels like your bridesmaids could have fallen sufferer to the widespread false impression that “rustic stylish” is just not an apparent oxymoron, and so, whereas it pains me greater than a 15-pound headpiece to inform you this, it’s in all probability as much as you to set them straight.

I might start by sending them a hyperlink to a web-based thesaurus, the place they may discover that synonyms for rustic embody homely, artless, and unsophisticated. Remind them that you simply’re saving them cash on pedicures and that they need to really feel fortunate you’re not sending them down the aisle carrying burlap sacks—which might be completely on-theme! It’s also possible to refer them to some Pilates workout routines in the event that they fear their necks aren’t as much as the problem of actually supporting your hopes and goals on this, an important day of your life.

Share a imaginative and prescient board with some inspirational particulars from films like The Blair Witch Undertaking, Deliverance, and The Texas Chainsaw Bloodbath. (It will go over finest when you keep away from something too upsetting and focus as a substitute on the ambiance.) In the event you haven’t deliberate your bachelorette weekend but, why not take the ladies to a distant cabin with out plumbing (very inexpensive on AirBnB, particularly throughout tick season) and allow them to hunt their very own squirrel meat—in between raucous By no means-Have-I-Ever video games and crafting classes to make satisfactory bathroom paper out of non-poisonous crops. You, in fact, shall be staying within the nearest four-star lodge, however I assure that as quickly because the Stockholm syndrome units in, the expertise will carry you all a lot nearer than a Vegas suite with bottle service and a stripper named Apollo ever might.

Lastly, for a considerate bridesmaid’s gift, contemplate some blister block sticks and Little Home books, with significant passages underlined to remind them of what true sacrifice appears like. Laura Ingalls Wilder didn’t get to stroll by way of the woods in Vera Wang slingbacks or complain concerning the weight of her headwear, now did she?! All she and her siblings obtained (just about) was deer jerky, dolls product of sticks, and scarlet fever, they usually lived! (Superb, apart from that one.) Anyway, these women would have begged for one thing, something, from Etsy if it had existed again then. As a substitute of having fun with a boutique on-line buying expertise, they needed to do issues like harvest sap and fend off wild animal assaults—neither of which, you must remind your ungrateful marriage ceremony occasion, is a deliberate a part of the ceremony. (By the way, if a bear have been to cost them, these headdresses would actually turn out to be useful as protection weapons! You’re welcome, women!)

I don’t assume I can put it higher than the hardy Ms. Ingalls Wilder as soon as did when she mentioned, “Struggling passes, whereas love is everlasting.” You would possibly even need to carve that quote onto no matter woodland tree you’re exchanging vows underneath. It’s pretty much as good a mantra for marriage as any.

See extra: 21 Signs You and Your Partner Are a “Basic” Couple

Una LaMarche has written 4 young-adult novels, 5 Summers, Like No Different, Do not Fail Me Now, and You in 5 Acts, in addition to a comic book essay assortment, Unabrow. Her writing has appeared in The New York Instances, The New York Observer, Attract, and Mother and father, and on-line on the Huffington Put up. The New York Instances has referred to as her writing “surprisingly seductive,” which she plans to make use of on her tombstone.

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